Roadrunners are badasses

I saw a roadrunner the other day at work, and during our group IM silliness this morning at work, I commented that I would put a bow on it, name it Frankie and give it to my friend Jodie for her birthday. The discussion went a little wonky and I wondered to the group what the damned things ate. 

Someone suggested other birds and I of course chastised the person for being silly. Birds like that didn't eat other birds! Hawks and vultures and THOSE kinds of birds ate other birds. Surely not roadrunners. I suggested bugs and lizards and things like that.

Because the group (even the native Phoenicians) could come to no clear consensus, I internetted the shit out of that question and found, to my shock and horror that the person that had suggested that roadrunners eat birds was in fact correct. Shaken, I read on. Apparently, I too was correct thinking that they ate bugs and lizards. But they eat so many more things. For example, from the Wikipedia page, they also eat: 

"insects, fruit and seeds with the addition of small reptiles, including snakes, small mammals, spiders, scorpions, centipedes, millipedes, small birds, their eggs, and carrion, including road kills." Gross, of course, but this is the desert and I can't begrudge a little birdy (ok, a foot-tall birdy with a 2 ft wingspan) what it needs to survive. But get this. It's kind of a badass too. Again from the wiki:

 "It kills larger prey with a blow from the beak—hitting the base of the neck of small mammals—or by holding it in the beak and beating it against a rock. Two roadrunners sometimes attack a relatively big snake cooperatively. Cases have been recorded where roadrunners have run as fast as 26 miles per hour" 

What the hell, man!? It can run 26 MPH (definitely outrunning my white lazy ass) and holds its prey by the neck and beating it against a rock until it dies!? I give, man. You win, roadrunner!

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for my family, both here and far away

I'm thankful for my best friends in the world, Kobold and Puck

I'm thankful for the group of crazy people that call me a friend

I'm thankful for my job, even though I'm looking for another one

I'm thankful for my pets; they are the true loves of my life

I'm thankful for the chance to improve myself and my life

Most of all, I'm thankful for having the opportunity to be what and who I want to be...

And the fact that I don't look like this.

There is something wholly soul-crushing about a job that just doesn't pay your bills. You go to work every day, you do your job and expect to be able to reap the rewards of it when it comes time to pay rent, buy groceries or other such things. It occurs to me that the current job that I have has got to go. So I'm looking again. I missed out on a promotion for stating one of the old, standard lame jokes in an office (matching tie memo. Everyone has said it and immediately felt nauseous afterward) and that was considered 'offensive.'

Ok, so I gather you want an android. I can do that, but I won't be happy doing that. It was the day that I realized that aside from not making ends meet with the pay, this company wasn't for me. So, I'm looking. It's not like last time, when I actually did say something inappropriate - this time it was in no way inappropriate, maybe a little douchey but not inappropriate.

On other notes, I'm slowly but surely becoming OK with myself, which is a major plus. I know you've heard this shit before (over and over again), but this time I'm committed to making it stick. I'm down 10 lbs already, fitting into clothing that looks much better on me (sad that my bewbs are shrinking a bit, too) and trying my utter best to look at things from the 'sunny side.' Yes, it's hard, no I don't always like it... but that's the way it's got to be for right now because if I give into that sinking feeling, I'm not sure I (or anyone else) can help me get back out of it this time.

So, yes I'm taking my medication. I've got one more refill before I need to find a doctor who will prescribe it again for me. That'll be at least $20 for the visit, and another $20 for the medication... but that's absolutely worth the cost, as it's making my life a lot better.

I've stopped getting my nails done, and added home nail-stuff to my Christmas list so I can do that stuff at home. There's no need for me to keep giving them money so I can feel pretty, especially since when my nails finally grow back out, I'll be able to do it myself for a very minimal cost. I'm also going to have to find another place to get my hair cut, as $60 cuts are just not in the budget anymore. I've pared down my phone plan and we've gotten rid of cable (good riddance)... so really the only thing left to do is to quit smoking and start biking the 20 miles to work and I'm good, right? That last one is totally facetious. You all know me well enough to realize biking to work would NEVER happen ever. I might do the quitting smoking thing. Seems like lately, it's just not something I want to do, but it's something I feel like I have to do (yeah, addiction). So we'll see about that. I've cut back drastically in the past two weeks or so, so that's a good start.

So now I'm off to plan Kobold's birthday dinner. Hopefully he's not dying so he can enjoy it properly. He's currently at the Doctor's office, getting checked out for fevers (several during the night) and sore throat. It must be serious, as he never EVER goes to the doctor voluntarily... clearly he feels like crap... and that makes me a sad panda, being that his birthday is tomorrow night.

TV Lessons

So, on my awesome day off, I'm watching Malcom in the Middle (because it rocks)... and I just saw the episode where Lois and Hal think that she's pregnant again. At the very end of the episode, she's in labor with one of the existing boys (Dewey), and they are fighting. . . and she says something to the effect of  "we can't do this, have another baby until we fix us." So Hal names off a list of adorable stuff, like "I love the way your neck smells in the morning, the way that each of your toes looks like it came from another person. I love the way you're brave and fearless, and the way you treat me like a baby when I'm sick" ... and oddly enough, it made me all sniffly. I don't think it was the intention of the show, except maybe for the parents who may plausibly be watching, but I just kind of sighed and shook my head, and hoped that at some point in my life, I would be able to have someone who loved those types of things about me. Not that I'm fearless and brave, but the little things... like the way my hair curls weird at the back of my neck, or freakishly long toes, or the fact that ghost shows freak me the fuck out.

So here's hoping for the best in life.

Moving right along.

All right, so I've slipped on the whole writing every day thing. It happens and I intend to get back into it, now that I know I can do it from work. Woohoo. Working slash blogging is good times.

So I've been doing much better since I started taking my happy pills again, which is a good thing, being that Kobold no longer wants to murder me on a regular basis. While I don't much care for being dependent on a pill to make me a sane person, it seems that this is one isn't something I get to choose or have control of, so I'm dealing with it.

Work is going well, I have been deputized as a mentor and get an extra $.50/hr when I am doing that kind of work. While it is not all the time, now it is rare that a day goes by when I don't have to do some kind of mentoring, which is nice in two respects. 1., I get the extra cash which is always nice. 2. I get to do what I love to do, which is helping people learn to excel at their jobs.

The management and call center in general is very relaxed, open, happy and welcoming. Even the training people are cool

And between writing this and calls, I've submitted my resume for the Team Lead Supervisor job... so here's hoping on that one.

Tiny, Baby Steps

Ok, so I've been sort-of-promoted to "mentor" at my job. This means an extra $.50/hr when I am mentoring,   doing new-people testing or other such things that get me off the phone. Win-win for me, as it has been explained to me that this is the first step toward becoming something more in the company. Wewt.

I'm back to taking my happy pills and while I didn't like to admit that I needed them, I do and things are feeling much better even after just 2 weeks. The even better part is, they're only $20.00 (even without insurance), so all I have to do now once I have insurance, I have to find a doctor that will continue to prescribe them... and my migraine pills... and my birth control... and my hydrocodone... yeah, I'm a fucking walking medicine cabinet. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.

Mom and dad are staying in WV for now, Jason, Taylor and the kids are living in KS, I'm here in AZ... we're thinking about trying to get together for Thanksgiving (mom flying out here), and Christmas is up in the air, what with time and a half being offered for holidays. We'll see what happens.

Kobold is still dating Jill, which is fine. I'm emailing back and forth with her and we're learning about each other... we're planning on having hang-outs by ourselves. Apparently she is also somehow determined to find me a man. We'll see how that goes.

Rough Weekend

So it was a rough weekend on several accounts. Kobold and I had another spat (a pretty gnarly one) but we're ok now... I had a long talk with mom and she basically told me I'm ugly. . . . I wondered before why I had body issues - now it's kind of confirmed.

I'm happy to say that this evening is better and I'm trying my best to turn things around. I've got a plan for this week (it'll be rough because I'm going to be sans-human-company for 4 days) and also for going forward. I'm going to get out and do things. I'm going to start actually legitimately watching what I'm eating, I'm going to go dancing, and go to meet-ups, and really REALLY try to be myself. To heal myself. I think that I'm really going to do it this time. I hope  I'm going to do it this time. It's time for me to stop blaming other people for why I am the way I am and start taking control of my life. It's time for me to stop depending on others. I'm a smart, capable person and no matter how I feel about myself currently, it will heal. Everything will fall into place then. I won't be able to love anyone if I can't love myself. I've known this for forever - I know it but I couldn't be doing anything further from doing something about it. So this is it. I'm the one in charge and no matter how hard or horrible it feels right now, I've got to put on my big girl panties and fucking deal with it. I will be sad, and that's ok. I will be broken and that's ok... But eventually I will come out - fire-tested and the better for it.

Baby steps

I've got a job - I think I'll be ok at it. At the very least, I'm going to want to move up quickly because this shit may actually kill me. I had a nice girl's night out (abbreviated version due to work in the morning) with Katy and Miss Lindsay - it was nice to know that now and then, I can just sit and have a good conversation with people whom I might not have given a fair shake.

There are too many new things going on in my life right now: New job, new girl for Kobold, new things in general coming from every direction, leading to ideas about what I could and should do with my life. I feel like I'm being torn apart and pulled in all different directions. I feel slightly resentful about a few things, jealous about other things and definitely overwhelmed by  all of the upheaval. I can't help but wonder if this is some kind of punishment for something that I'm not sure I did - or maybe it's a test to see just how broken I can get before I'm not able to rebuild myself. It's definitely not easy and I'm having a harder time, being that both my adopted families are far away. I've got friends - quite a few - but no one I can honestly and truly open up to without resentment coming my way from it. It's a challenge that I'm not entirely sure I'm up for.

There are certain things in life that you know for sure that you want. They could be material, interpersonal or otherwise intangible ... and at certain points, you're given the option to come so close.. so dreadfully close to achieving or receiving them that you can taste it - and most often, I've found, one of two things happens: You get what you want and it turns out to be not at all as you expected, or your hopes are dashed against the harsh boulders of reality. This is one of those times that both things are happening to me all at once and I just have no idea if I'm strong enough to repair myself afterward.

So here's to the broken things -
with too many strings
and threads that hold us together.

Here's to the puppet's dance
in which there is no chance
to support ourselves and make it better.

Here's to fabric torn
and stitches worn
which only to the puppet seems to matter.

Here's to the ragged spin
that we're all trapped in
and only seems to make us sadder.

Wooo?

Tomorrow is my first day at a new job. It will be weird to not be on the giving end of the training, but I'm hoping I'll be doing a lot of learning. It's a new site and a new city for this company, so all I can do is impress them with my awesomeness. They straight out said that they were going to be looking for managers, team leads, etc... from this class, as it's the first class through the program here in Phoenix. So here's hoping I do a good job and make them see how much potential I might have with this company. I'm a little scared .. ok, a lot scared for how this is going to be and while I'm thankful to have a job - any job - I'm a more than slightly discouraged that I've got to start back at $11/hr versus a steady, salaried job.

So here's hoping that life won't kick me square in the proverbial nuts again and I'll catch a break, show them I can shine, and make good on all the mentoring everyone in my past jobs have given me. . . Otherwise I'll be slightly more than a little bit bummed.

Send some good stuff my way, karma. I've been a good kid lately.

Adventure!

We drove North on the I-17 today and went to Out of Africa.. it was amazing!!
Pictures!

Whole

While I can't take credit for the following work, it speaks to me on so many levels, I just had to share. Enjoy.

Whole 

oh! sorry if I woke you 
she says upon discovery of the slumbering silver psyche
yaaaawn …hey… 
what’s a pretty little thing like you 
doing way down here? 
I have a hole 
a hole? 
a hole
may I see? 
right here 
she points to her chest
doesn’t that hurt?
a little 
come here let me look at you 
she tiptoes towards him tacitly
darling, you’re bleeding! 
yeah, it’s been doing that for a while now 
all of my clothes are ruined
 he reviews her jagged curves
oh 
I thought you were dressed in red 
you wear it too well 
glassy drops drip over her painted body
weaving glossy trails of existence
mingling with the sticky diluted colour
warm and painted wet
who did this to you? 
I did 
she shuffles her feet
eyes fall to the floor
dearest, who did this to you?
 he moistens a cloud white cloth
as he directs her to the washroom
I did 
why would you do such a thing to yourself?
he begins drawing an ivory bath
with water so clear and sparkling
 I wanted to see
see what?
if I could feel 
she scratches a fingernail into her arm
revealing a sliver of her milky ghost
do you mind?
he extends his arm
mildly enveloping her dripping hand in his
a last wave of emotion rolls over her
while she steps gingerly into the tub
let’s see what we can do 
he smiles with his eyes
winking them into hers
why are you helping me?
because I can is that alright?
I don’t want to be a burden…
sweetheart, you’re only a burden to yourself 
his words sting with burning honesty
she withdraws into herself
close your eyes 
I’ll take care of you 
she pulls away abruptly
panic flooding her perception
how can I trust you?
here 
he removes each piece of clothing
laying them in a gentle heap at his feet
is that better?
he winces as she examines his naked form
suddenly shy in his voluntary exposure
he turns his head in shame
I have a hole too, 
you know you wear it well 
did you mend it yourself?
 yes many times I have to sew it every day 
with a little bone needle and heart strings 
come here
 let me look at you 
he enters the bathtub and stands facing her
in unison they slip down into the water
sitting with torsos and arms above
legs intertwining below
do you mind?
she begins to pluck at the strings
working them out of his skin
tenderly tugging out his past
passionately pulling out his memories
who did this to you?
I did 
she finishes extracting the threads
and leans back in confusion
I know 
he smooths the cotton cloth around her tattered tear
streaking out a sterling snowstorm
dying the warm liquid a swirling scarlet he warily washes off her past
carefully cleanses off her memories
I want to give you something 
you can do with it what you want 
she watches closely as he
digs his fingers into his chest
leaving the gash gaping
fear invades her taciturnity
how can you trust me?
he nudges open her drooling cavern
and sets his heart in her cage
you found me 
he snatches a clean heart string
snaps off a new splintered bone
you saw me 
she grips the marble sides
now pink with their leaking ichor
you felt me 
he threads the imperfect ivory needle
and presses it lightly into her skin
you heard me 
he stitches her closed
sealing it with a kiss
but I’ve nothing for you… 
my heart has gone missing!
no it hasn’t 
she furrows her brow
new tears
pure tears
escaping
you gave it to me already
he dips her fingers into him
when you woke me

I made a few comics today.

Holy Interview, Batman!

I just had the most terrifying interview of my life. A Technical Sales Training Manager position for a telephonics solutions company. They need someone to come in and.... create everything. EVERYTHING! They don't have QA, Training (except tribal knowledge), knowledge base, nothing. I'm a little terrified at the prospect of a blank piece of paper, but as mom said, they don't know what they don't know so anything I did would be better than what they have. Still, it's a little intimidating to think that I could go in and do something like that. I do have the potential - except that I've never done anything like that before. It's bot scary and kind of exciting, believe it or not. On the advice of mom, I drafted a quickie plan on how to do all that nonsense in generally 150 days. The dude on the phone said that he wanted everything in 90 but I just don't see that happening without massive hiring/training/recruiting from other teams already. It's weird to think that I could basically be a mini-Joanne but it's also a little stressful just to think about. We'll see - he said he had some more interviews to do and then he and his helpers would pick 5 to go to the final round showdown.

Crap

So I owe you a lot of entries. I'll start with a short one here. I've signed on with the $11/hr job but I'm interviewing this morning for one that would be much better. We'll see how it goes. Joanne was kind enough to help me and give me some pointers on what I should say. I have them all here saved in a word doc - thankfully, the interview is over the phone so I won't have to fumble with it in person. Say a little something for me if you believe in the powers that be. I've been having a super-hard time these past few days, what with Kobold dating and me feeling lonely and sensitive. It's getting to be pretty fucking ridiculous but I'm working through it. Once I have health insurance, I'm going to see if I can't get those CTFD pills again. They seemed to help quite a bit. Also, I'm going to add here that I had an excellent text-talk with Ms. Cheche and it was really nice to reconnect. She'll be here in Scottsdale the 2nd week of October for a conference and we're going to meet up - which will be amazing. I'm so looking forward to spending time with her again.

Oof da

So I'm in buckeye today, for a little BBQ and hangouts with friends from Vegas. It's kinda nice but I'm feeling lonely.

Rachel messaged me the other day, wishing me well and hoping I was doing good. It's funny timing but I can't fault her for that.

I had an interview yesterday. Which I how went well. It's  for $16/he instead of my guaranteed $11/hr for the hard of hearing place. Either way, I'm due to go sign paperwork for the hh place on Monday. This other place said I should know soon, as they need someone get quickly. We'll see. Wish me luck.

Movie Nights

Didn't get to posting yesterday, which means I'm going to have to owe you two today. Last night was "Movie night" at Gaetano and Tash's house. Beithar was there, too and we all around had a good time (even though we were all dozing off not too long into the movie) hanging out and playing with Sophie-monster. She's effing adorable. It's good to know that I've got people that I can go hang out with and just relax, hang out and be myself. It's good times. Makes me miss my niece Venessa, though and my other niece, Willow.. and Boodah.. yeah and then all my family in Vegas. I probably won't be able to make it to Vegas Faire this year (what with me hopefully getting a new job and all) so I'll be missing them a little bit longer until I get the chance to get up there, or vice versa.

Up and Down

I wish I could straighten out my moods lately. Even though I know what's causing the roller coaster ride, there's no end in sight to that ridiculous situation - it's no-win and several of my closest friends agree. So today I spent hours on answers.com answering people's questions about their coat of arms. then I slept for 3 hours in the middle of the day. Then I ate.. more.. and then when Kobold finally came home, we went to Thunar for a minute, but bailed since he wasn't fighting and I really didn't give a shit. This whole not giving a shit and being in a hole of gross self-loathing is pretty fucking awful... I feel like I need something - a kick, a kiss, a proclamation of undying love, a job, a proclamation of hatred... anything at this point would be pretty fucking good.

Meeting New People

When I was younger, I didn't have any issues meeting new people, making friends, talking to casual acquaintances et al. Now that I'm out of school and an 'adult,' I find it more difficult and sometimes, even contrived to try and make new friends. Shouldn't this be something that you do as a happy accident? Should making friends not be something that you don't necessarily set out to do, but that happens in a natural sort of non-stilted kind of way?

I suppose that would be the case if I had a job (social contact AAAAAAAAAAAH!) or did some kind of activity that involved talking with other people. I'll site those two things as my main reason that most of my friends are dirty rennies.

Either way, Kobold and I have recently made the acquaintance of a girl called Jill-one-L. (It's not really spelled that way, but what the hell.) She had us over to her home last week and this week we're returning the favor. Note: Her home is spotless, orderly, well-planned out decor and.. huge for just a single person. This intimidates the shit out of me.

Aside from the fact that I've gathered my resolve to keep this apartment pretty clean to begin with, the notion of her coming over and going "Holy god what the fuck is all this?" is truly horrifying. I'm not the cleanest person in the world - neither is Kobold, but when I'm depressed and he's work 10+ hours a day, the apartment can get a little... yeah. We won't go there.

So I've spent a good portion of yesterday, all of today (since 8am) and probably up until the minute she gets here - cleaning like a madwoman. Cleaning more than I would for my own parents (because they know I'm a slob).

I guess it's just one of those things - I would have cleaned well to begin with if she were coming over, but now that I know she has a fucking immaculate house, I'm busting my ass. I'm literally afraid to eat lunch for fear of having to clean any kind of mess.

In short, I was here:

And now I'm here:

I ain't no holla-back gurl..

I blame VH1 for the title. Kobold and I were watching "best songs of the 00's" and that was one of them - and despite my dislike for Gwen minus No Doubt, this shit is catchy.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I am a call-back girl. I got 2 callbacks within 20 minutes today, one for $16/hr and one for $11/hr. Clearly, I'm excited about the 16/hr one, though it is a temporary gig (9-18 months). We'll see how it goes. Nevermind the fact that I'm due to sign papers for the hard of hearing job ($11/hr) sometime soon.

So, things are looking up - or at least, there seems to be some kind of distant glow on the horizon.

So this is Puck's house - we are in the middle of a D&D game (a Sunday night ritual)... and we're all having a good time, as you can see. I'm moderately hesitant to admit that I do D&D but I guess I don't also want it to be a dirty little secret or something equally weird. Not that D&D isn't weird enough on its own. I guess the moral of the story is: it's fun and it's something to do with my friends that doesn't involve money. I'm fucking poor. Also, it's remarkable how often I 'accidentally' display traits of a Halfling... so I guess it was a good character choice for me. On that note, it's time for second-dinner.

Bleh

I know I said I was leaving here and going to ithinktoomany, but I think that's going to end up being a journal just for me. So rejoice, lovely people. I am back here and ready and rearing to go. I think what I'll try to do are the following things: 1. Try and write once a day - even if it's not very good 2. Keep track of major milestones 3. Keep you (lucky few) who read this informed about my life and it's goings-on. So here's the TLDR version: - Told someone she had sand in her vagina ... was proven correct, as I was fired for the comment (June, 2012) - Mother lost her job but is still able to help support me (rad). - Living in Phoenix, AZ now with Kobold, Bristol and 2 ferrets... one bedroom. - Slowly sinking into a death-spiral of hopelessness about lack of job. - Slightly more quickly sinking into death-spiral about being alone for 4 years now. - Have dedicated my life to crafting, confecting, writing and sleeping (thanks to lack of job). I think that's about it for now. Things to do this week: 1. Get job 2. Eat less microwave-home-made-rice-krispy-treats 3. Allow self to be vulnerable, so as to date people 4. Wash ferrets 5. Get nails done as a treat for succeeding in #2