The Sky is Falling

Kinda.. I mean, the sky really isn't falling so much as I fell as though it might be falling in a sort of figurative sense. It seems like if things are going to go wrong, they will go wrong in a big way and though the universe gives you little things to keep you sane now and then (like a new job or some hope at normalcy, or the hint of a relationship that could possibly be classified as 'healthy'), it will inevitably either take those things away or give you something so earth-shatteringly fucked up that you just want to ignore the good and normal things so that you can focus on the fucked-up-ness of what is going on in your life and try to make sense of it.

I can't pretend to say that I've made sense of what's going on, but I can say that I at least have managed to wrap my mind around what has happened and is happening... I'm living in the moment and taking everything as it comes and I think at least for the moment, this is the healthiest way I can deal with the stresses of being me in the position that I'm currently in. If I were to think too far ahead or backward, I think I may literally lose my cool and start pulling out my hair.

I actually caught myself doing this a little while ago - it started with just one hair that was in the way and wouldn't lay down right. Everyone does this, and I'm convinced it's fairly normal... but when I liked how it felt and decided to pull another one and grinned, then pulled another and studied the little bit on the end of the strand, then pulled another to see if I could get the little bit of flesh at the end of the next one to come off like it had the last one, and then repeated the process over and over for a good half-hour I suddenly realized that it was NOT going to end well. Thankfully, I was wearing pigtails that day and pulling from the back/middle of my head, where it could be hidden that I'd culled a neat little bald line from my head. I'm pretty sure stress-induced hair pulling is not healthy.

So what's stressing me out so bad? Health issues. Not mine, I'm moderately healthy, to tell the truth. Dad had an emergency holy-shit-he-might-die thing. His intestines ruptured because his ulcer exploded in the middle of the night. He had to be in the ICU for like a month. It was kind of a big deal, but  I was working at Sorenson at the time and had no money, so I couldn't really go willy-nilly to go see him and make sure that he was still alive and all. The problem didn't stop there. A month or so later, Jason was diagnosed with B-all Leukemia. This is, of course, after both aunt Sallies were diagnosed with breast and uteran cancer respectively.

So basically everyone is dying. I found out a week before Jason was diagnosed, that his wife was pregnant with another child, his third, .. he was, at the time, working part-time at Taco Bell with no insurance, she wasn't working at all. I wanted so badly to scream at him for being so stupid. I'm glad I didn't, but I did make some snide remarks via text. It was uncalled for, but now I feel awful.

The good news is I'm a match for a bone marrow donor, so I'll be doing that in the first full week of August. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, but I can say that at least he'll be alive. His kid is due in October, but he won't be able to hold it for a while after it's born because he'll be susceptible to its germs. He's living in some sort of weird half-way house now, unable to play with or hold his kids (which has got to be just awful) because kids are full of germs. They could literally kill him. It's really pretty fucked up.

Roadrunners are badasses

I saw a roadrunner the other day at work, and during our group IM silliness this morning at work, I commented that I would put a bow on it, name it Frankie and give it to my friend Jodie for her birthday. The discussion went a little wonky and I wondered to the group what the damned things ate. 

Someone suggested other birds and I of course chastised the person for being silly. Birds like that didn't eat other birds! Hawks and vultures and THOSE kinds of birds ate other birds. Surely not roadrunners. I suggested bugs and lizards and things like that.

Because the group (even the native Phoenicians) could come to no clear consensus, I internetted the shit out of that question and found, to my shock and horror that the person that had suggested that roadrunners eat birds was in fact correct. Shaken, I read on. Apparently, I too was correct thinking that they ate bugs and lizards. But they eat so many more things. For example, from the Wikipedia page, they also eat: 

"insects, fruit and seeds with the addition of small reptiles, including snakes, small mammals, spiders, scorpions, centipedes, millipedes, small birds, their eggs, and carrion, including road kills." Gross, of course, but this is the desert and I can't begrudge a little birdy (ok, a foot-tall birdy with a 2 ft wingspan) what it needs to survive. But get this. It's kind of a badass too. Again from the wiki:

 "It kills larger prey with a blow from the beak—hitting the base of the neck of small mammals—or by holding it in the beak and beating it against a rock. Two roadrunners sometimes attack a relatively big snake cooperatively. Cases have been recorded where roadrunners have run as fast as 26 miles per hour" 

What the hell, man!? It can run 26 MPH (definitely outrunning my white lazy ass) and holds its prey by the neck and beating it against a rock until it dies!? I give, man. You win, roadrunner!

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for my family, both here and far away

I'm thankful for my best friends in the world, Kobold and Puck

I'm thankful for the group of crazy people that call me a friend

I'm thankful for my job, even though I'm looking for another one

I'm thankful for my pets; they are the true loves of my life

I'm thankful for the chance to improve myself and my life

Most of all, I'm thankful for having the opportunity to be what and who I want to be...

And the fact that I don't look like this.

There is something wholly soul-crushing about a job that just doesn't pay your bills. You go to work every day, you do your job and expect to be able to reap the rewards of it when it comes time to pay rent, buy groceries or other such things. It occurs to me that the current job that I have has got to go. So I'm looking again. I missed out on a promotion for stating one of the old, standard lame jokes in an office (matching tie memo. Everyone has said it and immediately felt nauseous afterward) and that was considered 'offensive.'

Ok, so I gather you want an android. I can do that, but I won't be happy doing that. It was the day that I realized that aside from not making ends meet with the pay, this company wasn't for me. So, I'm looking. It's not like last time, when I actually did say something inappropriate - this time it was in no way inappropriate, maybe a little douchey but not inappropriate.

On other notes, I'm slowly but surely becoming OK with myself, which is a major plus. I know you've heard this shit before (over and over again), but this time I'm committed to making it stick. I'm down 10 lbs already, fitting into clothing that looks much better on me (sad that my bewbs are shrinking a bit, too) and trying my utter best to look at things from the 'sunny side.' Yes, it's hard, no I don't always like it... but that's the way it's got to be for right now because if I give into that sinking feeling, I'm not sure I (or anyone else) can help me get back out of it this time.

So, yes I'm taking my medication. I've got one more refill before I need to find a doctor who will prescribe it again for me. That'll be at least $20 for the visit, and another $20 for the medication... but that's absolutely worth the cost, as it's making my life a lot better.

I've stopped getting my nails done, and added home nail-stuff to my Christmas list so I can do that stuff at home. There's no need for me to keep giving them money so I can feel pretty, especially since when my nails finally grow back out, I'll be able to do it myself for a very minimal cost. I'm also going to have to find another place to get my hair cut, as $60 cuts are just not in the budget anymore. I've pared down my phone plan and we've gotten rid of cable (good riddance)... so really the only thing left to do is to quit smoking and start biking the 20 miles to work and I'm good, right? That last one is totally facetious. You all know me well enough to realize biking to work would NEVER happen ever. I might do the quitting smoking thing. Seems like lately, it's just not something I want to do, but it's something I feel like I have to do (yeah, addiction). So we'll see about that. I've cut back drastically in the past two weeks or so, so that's a good start.

So now I'm off to plan Kobold's birthday dinner. Hopefully he's not dying so he can enjoy it properly. He's currently at the Doctor's office, getting checked out for fevers (several during the night) and sore throat. It must be serious, as he never EVER goes to the doctor voluntarily... clearly he feels like crap... and that makes me a sad panda, being that his birthday is tomorrow night.

TV Lessons

So, on my awesome day off, I'm watching Malcom in the Middle (because it rocks)... and I just saw the episode where Lois and Hal think that she's pregnant again. At the very end of the episode, she's in labor with one of the existing boys (Dewey), and they are fighting. . . and she says something to the effect of  "we can't do this, have another baby until we fix us." So Hal names off a list of adorable stuff, like "I love the way your neck smells in the morning, the way that each of your toes looks like it came from another person. I love the way you're brave and fearless, and the way you treat me like a baby when I'm sick" ... and oddly enough, it made me all sniffly. I don't think it was the intention of the show, except maybe for the parents who may plausibly be watching, but I just kind of sighed and shook my head, and hoped that at some point in my life, I would be able to have someone who loved those types of things about me. Not that I'm fearless and brave, but the little things... like the way my hair curls weird at the back of my neck, or freakishly long toes, or the fact that ghost shows freak me the fuck out.

So here's hoping for the best in life.

Moving right along.

All right, so I've slipped on the whole writing every day thing. It happens and I intend to get back into it, now that I know I can do it from work. Woohoo. Working slash blogging is good times.

So I've been doing much better since I started taking my happy pills again, which is a good thing, being that Kobold no longer wants to murder me on a regular basis. While I don't much care for being dependent on a pill to make me a sane person, it seems that this is one isn't something I get to choose or have control of, so I'm dealing with it.

Work is going well, I have been deputized as a mentor and get an extra $.50/hr when I am doing that kind of work. While it is not all the time, now it is rare that a day goes by when I don't have to do some kind of mentoring, which is nice in two respects. 1., I get the extra cash which is always nice. 2. I get to do what I love to do, which is helping people learn to excel at their jobs.

The management and call center in general is very relaxed, open, happy and welcoming. Even the training people are cool

And between writing this and calls, I've submitted my resume for the Team Lead Supervisor job... so here's hoping on that one.

Tiny, Baby Steps

Ok, so I've been sort-of-promoted to "mentor" at my job. This means an extra $.50/hr when I am mentoring,   doing new-people testing or other such things that get me off the phone. Win-win for me, as it has been explained to me that this is the first step toward becoming something more in the company. Wewt.

I'm back to taking my happy pills and while I didn't like to admit that I needed them, I do and things are feeling much better even after just 2 weeks. The even better part is, they're only $20.00 (even without insurance), so all I have to do now once I have insurance, I have to find a doctor that will continue to prescribe them... and my migraine pills... and my birth control... and my hydrocodone... yeah, I'm a fucking walking medicine cabinet. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.

Mom and dad are staying in WV for now, Jason, Taylor and the kids are living in KS, I'm here in AZ... we're thinking about trying to get together for Thanksgiving (mom flying out here), and Christmas is up in the air, what with time and a half being offered for holidays. We'll see what happens.

Kobold is still dating Jill, which is fine. I'm emailing back and forth with her and we're learning about each other... we're planning on having hang-outs by ourselves. Apparently she is also somehow determined to find me a man. We'll see how that goes.

Rough Weekend

So it was a rough weekend on several accounts. Kobold and I had another spat (a pretty gnarly one) but we're ok now... I had a long talk with mom and she basically told me I'm ugly. . . . I wondered before why I had body issues - now it's kind of confirmed.

I'm happy to say that this evening is better and I'm trying my best to turn things around. I've got a plan for this week (it'll be rough because I'm going to be sans-human-company for 4 days) and also for going forward. I'm going to get out and do things. I'm going to start actually legitimately watching what I'm eating, I'm going to go dancing, and go to meet-ups, and really REALLY try to be myself. To heal myself. I think that I'm really going to do it this time. I hope  I'm going to do it this time. It's time for me to stop blaming other people for why I am the way I am and start taking control of my life. It's time for me to stop depending on others. I'm a smart, capable person and no matter how I feel about myself currently, it will heal. Everything will fall into place then. I won't be able to love anyone if I can't love myself. I've known this for forever - I know it but I couldn't be doing anything further from doing something about it. So this is it. I'm the one in charge and no matter how hard or horrible it feels right now, I've got to put on my big girl panties and fucking deal with it. I will be sad, and that's ok. I will be broken and that's ok... But eventually I will come out - fire-tested and the better for it.

Baby steps

I've got a job - I think I'll be ok at it. At the very least, I'm going to want to move up quickly because this shit may actually kill me. I had a nice girl's night out (abbreviated version due to work in the morning) with Katy and Miss Lindsay - it was nice to know that now and then, I can just sit and have a good conversation with people whom I might not have given a fair shake.

There are too many new things going on in my life right now: New job, new girl for Kobold, new things in general coming from every direction, leading to ideas about what I could and should do with my life. I feel like I'm being torn apart and pulled in all different directions. I feel slightly resentful about a few things, jealous about other things and definitely overwhelmed by  all of the upheaval. I can't help but wonder if this is some kind of punishment for something that I'm not sure I did - or maybe it's a test to see just how broken I can get before I'm not able to rebuild myself. It's definitely not easy and I'm having a harder time, being that both my adopted families are far away. I've got friends - quite a few - but no one I can honestly and truly open up to without resentment coming my way from it. It's a challenge that I'm not entirely sure I'm up for.

There are certain things in life that you know for sure that you want. They could be material, interpersonal or otherwise intangible ... and at certain points, you're given the option to come so close.. so dreadfully close to achieving or receiving them that you can taste it - and most often, I've found, one of two things happens: You get what you want and it turns out to be not at all as you expected, or your hopes are dashed against the harsh boulders of reality. This is one of those times that both things are happening to me all at once and I just have no idea if I'm strong enough to repair myself afterward.

So here's to the broken things -
with too many strings
and threads that hold us together.

Here's to the puppet's dance
in which there is no chance
to support ourselves and make it better.

Here's to fabric torn
and stitches worn
which only to the puppet seems to matter.

Here's to the ragged spin
that we're all trapped in
and only seems to make us sadder.

Wooo?

Tomorrow is my first day at a new job. It will be weird to not be on the giving end of the training, but I'm hoping I'll be doing a lot of learning. It's a new site and a new city for this company, so all I can do is impress them with my awesomeness. They straight out said that they were going to be looking for managers, team leads, etc... from this class, as it's the first class through the program here in Phoenix. So here's hoping I do a good job and make them see how much potential I might have with this company. I'm a little scared .. ok, a lot scared for how this is going to be and while I'm thankful to have a job - any job - I'm a more than slightly discouraged that I've got to start back at $11/hr versus a steady, salaried job.

So here's hoping that life won't kick me square in the proverbial nuts again and I'll catch a break, show them I can shine, and make good on all the mentoring everyone in my past jobs have given me. . . Otherwise I'll be slightly more than a little bit bummed.

Send some good stuff my way, karma. I've been a good kid lately.