A Fuck-Geo is no good unless you've something monsterous to compare it to. Like oh.. .say... an *Aircraft carrier. Now, I know these are the two ends of the spectrum but a Fuck-Geo and an *Aircraft carrier are still equal parts of the badness. As outlined in the entry about "regining in the fuck-geo" I think you understand why the Fuck-Geo is quite honestly one of the maddening things on the road. On the other hand, the *Aircraft Carrier is just as bad! They swerve, they take up 8 1/2 parking spaces, their drivers are normally too small to even see over the dash, let alone reach the petals, and most importantly... they're normally *Yuppy trash, another thing to add to the World's Most Hated list. Oh yes.. and by the by, how's this for pure evil? On the way back from Cedar Point (America's Roller coast!) we had the unfortunate pain to see a little Fuck-Geo which was indeed just that, though it was a VW (good cars...) with the lisence plate (oh get ready to cry) "USA RULZ" now.. firstly if you're going to show your pride, spell it correctly PLEASE!.. but secondly and I'm begging this time.. do it on an AMERICAN CAR! Christ....
Onward, now, to our last topic. Crossed wires. Sounds a little odd, yes? Well, no doubt.. but I'm convinced that with all this wind, a few birds' wires have been knocked loose or crossed or at the very least, the poor things are having a wretched time trying to navigate around. I was at a stoplight the other day, minding my own business, watching the light like a good girl... and all of a sudden WHAM! Some poor bird's gone and smacked into the stoplight and landed on the car next to me. Now yes, that's a litle scary, but not uncommon from what I hear. Birds continually ram full-speed into the picture window at home, and even on campus at the dorms there's the occasional THUNK but I say it's a conspiracy. That's right. The birds are trying to take over the world! And they're starting with the stars. Remember what happened to Fabio? See? That proves it! They're after us.
*Aircraft Carrier- (n.) 1. A large vehicle, normally referred to as an SUV, which takes up 8 1/2 parking spaces, swerves and is dangerous to drive anywhere other than California. 2. A vehicle, large in measure, which is run only by its own private oilfield and the stupidity of the driver.
*Yuppy Trash (adj.)- To have or to be rich beyond one's wildest dreams and to squander it on a cell phone, a pilot notebook, an Aircraft carrier(see above), and a child whom you send off to boarding school only to strut on company picnics and then to tuck away back in a safe place where he/she can be raised by nuns/monks (without fear of child molestation?). (N.) a person who drives an Aircraft carrier while talking on their cell phone's headset, sipping Starbucks, complaining about the spot on their Armani suit and chuckling lightly/giggling femininely...all while cutting you off on a busy intersection and careening into oncoming traffic without so much as the bat of an eye.
Friday, May 10, 2002
Monday, May 6, 2002
Shouldn't You be Extinct by now?
Ok, so the top ten list for today is:
The Top Ten Ways to Make a Group of Girls Say “Dear God!” (and not in the good way)
10). Make sure your car is absolutely filthy. Allow it to fester in the sun until it’s growing its own species of bacteria and then drive by with your head out the window and “growl” at us. That does wonders for everyone’s ego.
9). Cruise by with your seat so far back that you can’t see over the dash, reach the pedals or even read the clock. Oh yeah, baby. I’d leap right into that deathtrap, no questions asked!
8). Hiss/spit, make that “fttttttttttt” sound or do other such noises at us while at a stoplight. We’re trapped but that doesn’t mean the ‘captive audience’ rule applies. Ever.
7).Make sure you’re blaring some god-awful song, too. In an attempt to prove your masculinity, you drive down Grand River Avenue blaring a techno remix of Rhinestone Cowboy? I think not.
6). Drive an incredibly expensive car (complete with shiny rims and a huge stereo) and just watch us switch to Freudian mode.
5). Pretend you’re Michael Jackson. That’s right… complete with one glove, red leather jacket and greasy, nasty hair.
4). Stare at us while we’re at the stoplight. That’s right. Don’t even blink or snicker, smile or even try to wave. Just . . . stare.
3). Honk your horn incessantly. It’ll get our attention, surely but there’s no guarantee we’ll stop unless you’re trying to warn us there’s an axe murderer in the back seat.
2). Moan at us as you drive by. Mmhm. That’s right, nothing turns me on more than a stranger moaning at me as he and his buddies drive by in a car… (add twenty brownie points if I moan back and you nearly crash the car. That’s interesting if not hilarious)
1). Wear your hair in a mullet. Dress in a wifebeater, drive a penis-car and stare out the window at me while you’re at the light and there’s no way for me to get away.
Any one of these, or even a combination of the aforementioned attributes are sure to get you noticed. Noticed but not liked and certainly not dated. Please note that we are intelligent creatures and … for the most part, your best laid plans are often transparent and rather laughable.
Here’s a little hint, boys…
Don’t be something you’re not. We don’t like false people just like you don’t like fake boobs (well, some of you don’t).
The Top Ten Ways to Make a Group of Girls Say “Dear God!” (and not in the good way)
10). Make sure your car is absolutely filthy. Allow it to fester in the sun until it’s growing its own species of bacteria and then drive by with your head out the window and “growl” at us. That does wonders for everyone’s ego.
9). Cruise by with your seat so far back that you can’t see over the dash, reach the pedals or even read the clock. Oh yeah, baby. I’d leap right into that deathtrap, no questions asked!
8). Hiss/spit, make that “fttttttttttt” sound or do other such noises at us while at a stoplight. We’re trapped but that doesn’t mean the ‘captive audience’ rule applies. Ever.
7).Make sure you’re blaring some god-awful song, too. In an attempt to prove your masculinity, you drive down Grand River Avenue blaring a techno remix of Rhinestone Cowboy? I think not.
6). Drive an incredibly expensive car (complete with shiny rims and a huge stereo) and just watch us switch to Freudian mode.
5). Pretend you’re Michael Jackson. That’s right… complete with one glove, red leather jacket and greasy, nasty hair.
4). Stare at us while we’re at the stoplight. That’s right. Don’t even blink or snicker, smile or even try to wave. Just . . . stare.
3). Honk your horn incessantly. It’ll get our attention, surely but there’s no guarantee we’ll stop unless you’re trying to warn us there’s an axe murderer in the back seat.
2). Moan at us as you drive by. Mmhm. That’s right, nothing turns me on more than a stranger moaning at me as he and his buddies drive by in a car… (add twenty brownie points if I moan back and you nearly crash the car. That’s interesting if not hilarious)
1). Wear your hair in a mullet. Dress in a wifebeater, drive a penis-car and stare out the window at me while you’re at the light and there’s no way for me to get away.
Any one of these, or even a combination of the aforementioned attributes are sure to get you noticed. Noticed but not liked and certainly not dated. Please note that we are intelligent creatures and … for the most part, your best laid plans are often transparent and rather laughable.
Here’s a little hint, boys…
Don’t be something you’re not. We don’t like false people just like you don’t like fake boobs (well, some of you don’t).
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