For our amusement and in honour of going away from Satan for the rest of my life, I've decided to compile antoher top ten list (a la "Satan Sleeps Below Me".. check that post if you want another laugh) of reasons why you must always know your rommate or be prepared for the worst case scenario.
Your rommate might be Satan:
10). If, to understand your roommate, you must use The Blacktionary and improvise from there to the "Ghettofied" version of that.
9). If you must listen to mindless praddle which contains the words/phrases "Honkey" and "She's really beautiful for a white woman"
8). If you have to hide your food in the BATHROOM in order for it to be around the next time you're hungry.
7). If you feel the bed below you rocking at least five of the seven days of the week.
6). If you hear the words "Like-ded, Work-ded," or "GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURL! YOU KNOW" at least once each conversation
5). If you find your away message turned off, porn links popped up -because she doesn't know how to close them- and your entire computer's screen in disarray.
4). If you get an explaination about Lent...that it's all right to cheat every now and again. Even better, add two points if you hear that your roommate's Cathloic church lets Methodists take communion.
3). If there are undistinguishable floods of men coming to and fro from the bottom bunk... nameless, penniless for feeing Satan, and stinky from the 3 minutes of actual thrusing that they've done.
2). If your roommate asks you .. and I quote "What's a bird?"
And the number one way to tell if Satan sleeps in your room?
1). If she insists on yelling out the five story window to ask you if you're going to be home tonight, when you're already downstairs in the parking lot half-way into the car.....addendum... if her voice is more and it is possible.. annoying than Fran Drescher's.
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
Monday, April 29, 2002
Satan Rears Her Ugly Head
Why, oh why was I the one selected to be tortured by the most inconsiderate little bitch in the world? I thought I was doing all right, you know? Going to college, making something of myself... Evidently God will smite those who want to sleep at sodomy-thirty in the morning. Who knew..?
Let's deal with the facts here. 12:30 is bed time, I don't care how tired or un-tired I am. 12:30 is bed time, especially because I have a final today which requires a bit of intelligence to be able to pass. Obviously Satan isn't familiar with that sort of thing because when She came rollin' on in at 1:30, she (as per usual) flicked on all the lights, began to giggle and heat up some more of my food..but not for herself. Oh no! That would be semi-tolerable because she's done it before and I've come to accept that fact. No... she heated up MY Ragu instant pasta (which, I might add, is the most delicious microwave meal ever made) and gave it to the nameless man she'd brought home with her. Now, normally I'm glad to share food with strangers but this guy did nothing but complain about the food, the room, the girl (attempting to) sleep in the top bunk, as well as the girl's weight on the bed.
"DAYUM, _insert devil's name here_! That honkey girl's bout t'a break th'dam bed. Y'all bes be careful if she flips o'er in 'er sleep."
Growl!!
What goddamned right does his large ass have to come into my room and eat my food and comment on MY ASS!?
I've finally come to the realization that things are merely going downhill from here because after 20 minutes of groping and a whopping 3 minutes of actual sex, the man left... and Satan decided it was time to use my computer, turn off my away message and look at god-knows-what on the damned internet.
What's that you say? Tell me more? Surely I will... you knew I wasn't done ranting, not by a long shot.
This morning was quite interesting. I got up at the tail-end of sodomy-thirty like I always do. Took a shower, got all spiffified for work and as I'm filling up my cup with Faygo (drink of the gods, I'll have you know), she sits up and proceeds as follows:
"Hey, Jess... why'd you put that plate of food into my fridge?" Well, being that it was hers, she'd put it in my fridge and I'd neglected to move it for I had no real reason to bother with it...it had been in my fridge for about a month now, growing its own culture of bacterium. I told her I didn't know if she still wanted it and I'd run out of room in my own fridge, so I put it in hers. Evidently, in the land of Satan, that's unacceptable... to put someone's food in their own fridge. I wasn't ..repeat wasn't in the mood for a fight so I told her I was sorry (sorry for putting her own food in her own fridge so it could stink up her side of the room? Yep)and I shut the door before I could hear anything else.
But on the up side... I'm done on Wednesday! wooohoooo!!! All I have to do after Wednesday is work a bit and clean out the rest of my crap-ola which is minnimal because I took a chitload home this weekend (thanks Rae!).
Let's deal with the facts here. 12:30 is bed time, I don't care how tired or un-tired I am. 12:30 is bed time, especially because I have a final today which requires a bit of intelligence to be able to pass. Obviously Satan isn't familiar with that sort of thing because when She came rollin' on in at 1:30, she (as per usual) flicked on all the lights, began to giggle and heat up some more of my food..but not for herself. Oh no! That would be semi-tolerable because she's done it before and I've come to accept that fact. No... she heated up MY Ragu instant pasta (which, I might add, is the most delicious microwave meal ever made) and gave it to the nameless man she'd brought home with her. Now, normally I'm glad to share food with strangers but this guy did nothing but complain about the food, the room, the girl (attempting to) sleep in the top bunk, as well as the girl's weight on the bed.
"DAYUM, _insert devil's name here_! That honkey girl's bout t'a break th'dam bed. Y'all bes be careful if she flips o'er in 'er sleep."
Growl!!
What goddamned right does his large ass have to come into my room and eat my food and comment on MY ASS!?
I've finally come to the realization that things are merely going downhill from here because after 20 minutes of groping and a whopping 3 minutes of actual sex, the man left... and Satan decided it was time to use my computer, turn off my away message and look at god-knows-what on the damned internet.
What's that you say? Tell me more? Surely I will... you knew I wasn't done ranting, not by a long shot.
This morning was quite interesting. I got up at the tail-end of sodomy-thirty like I always do. Took a shower, got all spiffified for work and as I'm filling up my cup with Faygo (drink of the gods, I'll have you know), she sits up and proceeds as follows:
"Hey, Jess... why'd you put that plate of food into my fridge?" Well, being that it was hers, she'd put it in my fridge and I'd neglected to move it for I had no real reason to bother with it...it had been in my fridge for about a month now, growing its own culture of bacterium. I told her I didn't know if she still wanted it and I'd run out of room in my own fridge, so I put it in hers. Evidently, in the land of Satan, that's unacceptable... to put someone's food in their own fridge. I wasn't ..repeat wasn't in the mood for a fight so I told her I was sorry (sorry for putting her own food in her own fridge so it could stink up her side of the room? Yep)and I shut the door before I could hear anything else.
But on the up side... I'm done on Wednesday! wooohoooo!!! All I have to do after Wednesday is work a bit and clean out the rest of my crap-ola which is minnimal because I took a chitload home this weekend (thanks Rae!).
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