Baby steps

I've got a job - I think I'll be ok at it. At the very least, I'm going to want to move up quickly because this shit may actually kill me. I had a nice girl's night out (abbreviated version due to work in the morning) with Katy and Miss Lindsay - it was nice to know that now and then, I can just sit and have a good conversation with people whom I might not have given a fair shake.

There are too many new things going on in my life right now: New job, new girl for Kobold, new things in general coming from every direction, leading to ideas about what I could and should do with my life. I feel like I'm being torn apart and pulled in all different directions. I feel slightly resentful about a few things, jealous about other things and definitely overwhelmed by  all of the upheaval. I can't help but wonder if this is some kind of punishment for something that I'm not sure I did - or maybe it's a test to see just how broken I can get before I'm not able to rebuild myself. It's definitely not easy and I'm having a harder time, being that both my adopted families are far away. I've got friends - quite a few - but no one I can honestly and truly open up to without resentment coming my way from it. It's a challenge that I'm not entirely sure I'm up for.

There are certain things in life that you know for sure that you want. They could be material, interpersonal or otherwise intangible ... and at certain points, you're given the option to come so close.. so dreadfully close to achieving or receiving them that you can taste it - and most often, I've found, one of two things happens: You get what you want and it turns out to be not at all as you expected, or your hopes are dashed against the harsh boulders of reality. This is one of those times that both things are happening to me all at once and I just have no idea if I'm strong enough to repair myself afterward.

So here's to the broken things -
with too many strings
and threads that hold us together.

Here's to the puppet's dance
in which there is no chance
to support ourselves and make it better.

Here's to fabric torn
and stitches worn
which only to the puppet seems to matter.

Here's to the ragged spin
that we're all trapped in
and only seems to make us sadder.

Wooo?

Tomorrow is my first day at a new job. It will be weird to not be on the giving end of the training, but I'm hoping I'll be doing a lot of learning. It's a new site and a new city for this company, so all I can do is impress them with my awesomeness. They straight out said that they were going to be looking for managers, team leads, etc... from this class, as it's the first class through the program here in Phoenix. So here's hoping I do a good job and make them see how much potential I might have with this company. I'm a little scared .. ok, a lot scared for how this is going to be and while I'm thankful to have a job - any job - I'm a more than slightly discouraged that I've got to start back at $11/hr versus a steady, salaried job.

So here's hoping that life won't kick me square in the proverbial nuts again and I'll catch a break, show them I can shine, and make good on all the mentoring everyone in my past jobs have given me. . . Otherwise I'll be slightly more than a little bit bummed.

Send some good stuff my way, karma. I've been a good kid lately.