So it was a rough weekend on several accounts. Kobold and I had another spat (a pretty gnarly one) but we're ok now... I had a long talk with mom and she basically told me I'm ugly. . . . I wondered before why I had body issues - now it's kind of confirmed.
I'm happy to say that this evening is better and I'm trying my best to turn things around. I've got a plan for this week (it'll be rough because I'm going to be sans-human-company for 4 days) and also for going forward. I'm going to get out and do things. I'm going to start actually legitimately watching what I'm eating, I'm going to go dancing, and go to meet-ups, and really REALLY try to be myself. To heal myself. I think that I'm really going to do it this time. I hope I'm going to do it this time. It's time for me to stop blaming other people for why I am the way I am and start taking control of my life. It's time for me to stop depending on others. I'm a smart, capable person and no matter how I feel about myself currently, it will heal. Everything will fall into place then. I won't be able to love anyone if I can't love myself. I've known this for forever - I know it but I couldn't be doing anything further from doing something about it. So this is it. I'm the one in charge and no matter how hard or horrible it feels right now, I've got to put on my big girl panties and fucking deal with it. I will be sad, and that's ok. I will be broken and that's ok... But eventually I will come out - fire-tested and the better for it.
