This is a rant. You had warning..
As you all know by now, I live in Michigan. One of the drawbacks (one of many) of living here is that it's cold. Thus, when the temperature dips below 32 degrees as it usually does in January, the precipitation that would normally be rain turns to snow. This rant is about snow.
Snow is not pretty, fun or neat. Snow is the devil. I shall list the ways it is the devil for you in case you're a lucky bastard and don't have to deal with 4-6 inches of snow on any given day. First let me clarify something. Snow is pretty, fun and cool on one day a year. Christmas. That's all. Next, let me say that I plan on moving as soon as finances allow, so it is not a voluntary hell that I live in.
Myth #1: "Snow is pretty" Snow is not pretty. Snow is cold, wet and white. Now, being that it's white and that Michigan has weather much like England did when "The Christmas Carol" was written. For those of you who aren't familiar with Michigan/England weather, let me clarify. It can be snowing or raining while the sun is out. It happens frequently and is not considered odd if you live or grew up in either of these places. Being that as it is, let me also mention that snow is frozen water and we all know that light bounces off water. Clarifying the situation, now, I'll tell you that there is a very good reason that sunglasses sales double in January here in Michigan. The feeling of your retinas searing out because you thought you dropped something and glanced down is not pretty, fun or neat. Also, driving is not fun when you live on a road where chances are, anyone has yet to drive through and mark up the pristine snow. Myth busted. Snow is not pretty, it is blinding and, much like a mirror, can cause permanent blindness when reflecting the sun.
Myth #2: Snow is fun Snow is fun for 3 years of your life. From ages 4 through 7, maybe a little longer if you're simple. When you suddenly and usually, very tramatically, come to the conclusion that snow can hurt and is frickin' cold, you come to my side of the fence here. Let me tell you, getting hit with a snowball is not fun. Fun is getting shitfaced and playing trivial persuit. Fun is seeing the boy down the hall in his undies and having to take a second glance because he's sex on a stick...with an accent. Fun is sex. Fun is food. Fun is friends. Fun is not getting hit in the face with something that's very cold and hard and feels pretty much like getting smacked with a sand-ball is not fun. I'm obviously not a masochist. Myth busted. Snow is not fun. It is cold, wet, hard, dangerous and slippery.
Myth #3: Snow is neat! Snow is not "neat" no matter which definition you use. It is not clean (I know, deceiving, isn't it?). You would think that because snow is rain, and rain is water, snow would be clean. No. Snow is ucky. Snow comes in many colors and the most maddening is the black snow that clings to your pantlegs and gets all up on your car so that when you lean into the door to get out of the way of a passing car while you're unlocking your door, it gets on your pretty new gray pants. Also, snow is not "Neat" in the awesome sense of the word. Driving in snow is not cool, fun or neat and I don't care who you are. I don't care if you've got a 4X4 "Driftbuster MAXXX." You will slip. You will slide. You will loose traction and, given enough time to do so, you will end up in a ditch or turned around the wrong way on your side of the street (with or without traffic is up to you). People drive like idiots in the snow. People who have lived in Michigan all their lives loose their goddamned minds when it snows. People go slamming into others, semi trucks jacknife, pedestrians decide it's safe to run across the street when they know people in the cars can't stop.
None of this is pretty, cool or neat. Myth busted. Snow is not neat, in any sense of the word. Snow is messy and causes major messes on the highways and apparently causes brains to malfunction So I guess what I'm saying is that I hate snow. I hate living in Michigan and if I won the lottery, I'd buy a fuckin' island in the bahamas, move all my friends and stuff there and never come back. I hate snow.
