Kinda.. I mean, the sky really isn't falling so much as I fell as though it might be falling in a sort of figurative sense. It seems like if things are going to go wrong, they will go wrong in a big way and though the universe gives you little things to keep you sane now and then (like a new job or some hope at normalcy, or the hint of a relationship that could possibly be classified as 'healthy'), it will inevitably either take those things away or give you something so earth-shatteringly fucked up that you just want to ignore the good and normal things so that you can focus on the fucked-up-ness of what is going on in your life and try to make sense of it.
I can't pretend to say that I've made sense of what's going on, but I can say that I at least have managed to wrap my mind around what has happened and is happening... I'm living in the moment and taking everything as it comes and I think at least for the moment, this is the healthiest way I can deal with the stresses of being me in the position that I'm currently in. If I were to think too far ahead or backward, I think I may literally lose my cool and start pulling out my hair.
I actually caught myself doing this a little while ago - it started with just one hair that was in the way and wouldn't lay down right. Everyone does this, and I'm convinced it's fairly normal... but when I liked how it felt and decided to pull another one and grinned, then pulled another and studied the little bit on the end of the strand, then pulled another to see if I could get the little bit of flesh at the end of the next one to come off like it had the last one, and then repeated the process over and over for a good half-hour I suddenly realized that it was NOT going to end well. Thankfully, I was wearing pigtails that day and pulling from the back/middle of my head, where it could be hidden that I'd culled a neat little bald line from my head. I'm pretty sure stress-induced hair pulling is not healthy.
So what's stressing me out so bad? Health issues. Not mine, I'm moderately healthy, to tell the truth. Dad had an emergency holy-shit-he-might-die thing. His intestines ruptured because his ulcer exploded in the middle of the night. He had to be in the ICU for like a month. It was kind of a big deal, but I was working at Sorenson at the time and had no money, so I couldn't really go willy-nilly to go see him and make sure that he was still alive and all. The problem didn't stop there. A month or so later, Jason was diagnosed with B-all Leukemia. This is, of course, after both aunt Sallies were diagnosed with breast and uteran cancer respectively.
So basically everyone is dying. I found out a week before Jason was diagnosed, that his wife was pregnant with another child, his third, .. he was, at the time, working part-time at Taco Bell with no insurance, she wasn't working at all. I wanted so badly to scream at him for being so stupid. I'm glad I didn't, but I did make some snide remarks via text. It was uncalled for, but now I feel awful.
The good news is I'm a match for a bone marrow donor, so I'll be doing that in the first full week of August. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, but I can say that at least he'll be alive. His kid is due in October, but he won't be able to hold it for a while after it's born because he'll be susceptible to its germs. He's living in some sort of weird half-way house now, unable to play with or hold his kids (which has got to be just awful) because kids are full of germs. They could literally kill him. It's really pretty fucked up.
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