While being forced to watch "Bitten" - a lively not-too-serious venture into the vampire mythos, staring... Jason Mews... - last night with Puck and Kobold, I started trying to think of truly good vampire/occult movies that I'd seen recently. I could think of none. (Sidenote: Puck, Kobold, Mr. Josh and I are all VERY confused and scared about this "Bitten" movie. It made my brain hurt... literally. Don't watch it.)
The most recent additions to the movies I've seen that match this genre are two pieces done in the mid-to-late seventies and directed by Andy Warhol, called "Blood for Dracula" and "Flesh for Frankenstein" both of which were so appallingly awful that they went around full circle and became awesome again. Very few movies do that for me, but when one of the lines from "Flesh for Frankenstein" is so brilliant that it stays with you for months afterward, there's something to be said for the awfulness.
The quote is as follows: "Igor, sometimes, to know life, you have to f*ck death in the gall bladder."
I'm just going to let that ruminate for a minute. I want you to read it out loud (extra points if people hear you). Now, aside from the fact that that statement should indeed hurt your brain in many different ways, I'm going to try and elaborate some of the story so that you can at least appreciate the ridiculous nature of what's going on.
Picture the usual Frankenstein setup, Dr. Frank there in his lab coat, Igor off to the side, tables and tessla coils abounding. Now. Instead of the giant green monster, picture a rather good-looking blond who happens to look like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas because she's had various limbs/parts sewn back on. Not a bad looking girl in general, and especially since she's basically a zombie.
Now, the suave and debonair Dr. Frank is intent on making a male monster for his female so they can procreate and make a pure race (wow.. sounds a lot worse when you put it in text). Anyway, Dr. Frank has the hots for girl-monster and decides that he can... um.. partake in the fruits of his labor. He doesn't want to create an impure child, though. Problem.
So he opens up a hole in her side and goes to town, ordering Igor to move the table so he doesn't have to work so hard. So here's Dr. Frank, humping away at this semi-conscious blond zombie with Igor half-watching. Once he's finished, he orders Igor to put the table back the way it was, and then comes the infamous line. Problem solved. Every one's happy, right?
Everyone except the audience... which in my case happened to be 2/3 of the boys as well as Dan. . . all of us were stunned to silence/laughing hysterically.
It's this caliber of movie that I adore. I plan to buy "Flesh for Frankenstein" as soon as I can find a readily available copy... or when I find it on Amazon.com. Either way.
"Blood for Dracula" is much the same, with violent sex scenes and frontal female nudity all around. Most of the cast from Frankenstein is also in this movie, so it makes things a little easier to handle. Frankenstein is also Dracula, go figure.
Seems that in this case, Dracula is only able to feed on the blood of a virgin. Of course, he strikes out a couple of times and finally ends up pinpointing the only sister in a house full of young fillies that happens to be a virgin. Just as he's about to descend upon her and drink her blood (blaah!), the "hero" of the story defiles her in the living room... in front of her mother. Again, there was stunned silence/hysterical laughter.
I also plan to buy this movie.
So with the reviews of these awful/wonderful movies, I suppose my real question is: "Is there a GOOD vampire/monster movie?"
I'm betting the answer is no... or maybe... there is one but it's never been seen.
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